We often work with people who feel like they are running an endless marathon. They are exhausted, hyper-vigilant, and constantly checking their "stats"—not on a fitness tracker, but in the eyes of everyone they meet.
This is the intersection of anxiety and the desperate search for external validation.
When we rely on the world to tell us we are "good people," we give away our remote control. If someone smiles at us, we have a good day. If a boss gives a lukewarm critique or a friend takes too long to text back, our internal alarm system screams. This is a recipe for chronic anxiety because external validation is a volatile market; it fluctuates based on things we cannot control.
Why "Goodness" Becomes a Burden
For many, anxiety isn't just about "worrying"; it’s a moral performance. We feel that if we aren't perfect, helpful, or universally liked, we are fundamentally flawed.
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External Validation: Acts like a "hit" of a drug. It feels great in the moment, but the effect wears off quickly, leaving you craving the next compliment to prove you still matter.
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The Anxiety Link: When your worth is external, you are constantly scanning for threats. "Did I sound stupid?" "Are they mad at me?" This keeps your nervous system in a state of high alert (fight-or-flight).
The Shift to Self-Love
Self-love isn't about bubble baths and affirmations; it’s about internal orientation. It’s the radical act of deciding that your value is a non-negotiable fact, not a daily performance.
| External Validation | Self-Love (Internal Validation) |
| Focuses on "Am I doing enough?" | Focuses on "Am I honoring myself?" |
| Relies on others' moods and opinions. | Relies on your own values and integrity. |
| Leads to people-pleasing and burnout. | Leads to boundaries and authentic rest. |
| Anxiety spikes with perceived rejection. | Anxiety is soothed by self-compassion. |
How to Start Choosing the Mirror over the Window
If you find yourself spiraling because you feel you aren't "good enough" for the world, try these therapeutic shifts:
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Audit Your "Shoulds": When you feel anxious, ask: "Am I doing this because it aligns with my values, or because I’m afraid of what they’ll think if I don't?"
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Practice Self-Compassion: When you make a mistake, speak to yourself like a mentor, not a judge. The goal is to be a "good enough" human, not a perfect one.
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Build an Internal "Safe Harbor": Remind yourself that even if someone is disappointed in you, you are still allowed to like yourself. Their opinion is a data point, not a verdict.
Jessica Butler
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